I learned that one could peel a grapefruit and eat it like an orange while sitting in front of a computer at my dad's house in Sunnyvale. I had never entertained the possibility of eating a grapefruit in any other manner than cut in half and dug out with a spoon. Since then, 95% of grapefruits I've eaten have been peeled and sectioned like oranges. It was hot that day I ate the grapefruit in my dad's office; this was during the summer the monitor broke due to excessive use during a heat wave (i.e. introduction to the GUI of the internet by me), slowly turning purple over a month. I think I was grounded for that. It was 1994.

Written at the Bullpen Pub sometime in August 2007
I suppose it's totally inappropriate to commandeer an entire table for myself, but the others paired off & I'm again alone. I guess I'm kind of hoping that someone will come and sit with me, though that's probably not going to happen while I look busy writing. Maybe I should just sit here looking bored & drink my beer & go. And that might just be what ends up happening. I'm not good at approaching groups of strangers, even drunk strangers. And here come the pipers.
Lord knows that the crowd here is mostly older folk, & if anyone sits at my table, it'll likely be one of these chummy pairs that have lived so long, nothing is embarrassing.
Everyone has their own friends already, their own comfort zones, & I'm infringing upon their borders w/ wishful eyes.
The game tonight was shite. Both teams played poorly, & the goal PT scored was taken away to much hissing & booing.
I can feel people eying me, the girl in the green striped shirt, writing hungrily on tiny pieces of paper w/ a 2/3 full beer. I suppose once I run out of paper, I'll have to live life again as a normal fan drinking a beer, someone approachable & nice - sweet & undaunting, cute and not [unreadable - unassuming?].
At that point, I may meet a neighbor or a new friend. Or maybe just someone fed up enough to sit down @ a 3/4 empty booth next to a stranger, so good at avoiding the world after being part of a great community - part of the Timbers Army. Alone amongst the 100s.

I've had a couple of pretty awesome and introspective entries rattling about in my brain that I write typically while walking around. Here's one of them:

Every morning, on the way to work, I walk by three specific scents. The first is the ever-present bread baking of Ken's Artisan Bakery, its bakers delivering loaves to cooling racks in the front window as my mouth waters, and I stroll by. The second is doughnuts, fresh from the fryer at Coco next to the PGE Park MAX station; I've never been in there, but I've heard they're tasty. The third, and the one that really gets my stomach growling, is the scent from a Mexican food cart on 12th and Yamhill. The family who owns the cart arrive early in the morning to do the day's prep work, and cook the carnitas and beans all morning. As I pass that parking lot, and walk across the street towards the library, I'm glad my office is only a few more blocks away, though oatmeal with a banana is a horrible substitute for such tasty vittles.

I'm going to miss living in Nob Hill. Being so near downtown, and in the midst of a fantastically walkable neighborhood has definitely spoiled me. I'm not used to taking the bus any more, and the stop and go of traffic makes me nauseous. I am looking forward to not having to worry about the cats and if I remembered to feed them that day, or if they're getting lonely without me. I hope the transition to living in a dog-friendly house is filled with little blood and gore. O hope the wedding comes together, and please, please, please, let the damned Timbers schedule come out already to I can go on with the planning...

It was about 3 weeks ago when I made this very startling revelation that I wanted to know about stuff in more detail than Wikipedia can provide, and it would be best if I could actually get someone to show me how these things work. And wouldn't you know, but there are people who do that professionally, and supposedly if I understand enough of these "lessons", I can get a certificate to display and show people how clever I really am. I'm not really in it for the paper; I'm more interested in being able to make incredibly geeky jokes that only 1.7% of the population will understand. So, yeah, I'm in it in order to lord my smarts over others. A noble pursuit, I'm sure.

So, school: I'm taking my placement tests tomorrow, and am oddly calm, considering I've not been in a credited class in 13 years. I've been studying things that I never learned all too well (see: algebra) in hopes I won't have to take too many "stupid" catch-up classes. I had a sudden realization that there were simply going to be things I don't know about and will have to learn. I'm okay with that. Up until this point, I couldn't think of a subject I'd be interested in enough in order to immerse myself in it for many years; I was thinking mostly of liberal arts courses, however. My issue was that I didn't think outside my own box. I was trying to make college into this place where I could take a few classes in subjects in which I was already pretty well versed, not someplace to expand upon things I know very little about. The thought of stretching my own boundaries is ridiculously exciting. I start classes on January 3rd.

On quitting everything: I had been doing a weekly show on cascadia.fm called "Savor Portland," interviewing and chatting with those in and around the food industry locally. I was planning on retiring the show in mid-December in order to get in my last few guests, which I was sad about already, but after my show on October 26th, I was told that they were bringing in a new show to be run during my current timeslot, and was given a choice of another time slot. Because I work a day job and it was tough enough just to leave a half-hour early on the day I was already doing my show, I was unable to accept the new time slot. So the show was unceremoniously ended; I canceled the guests I had scheduled, and nixed the last contest I was planning to run. While the show was due to run its course in only 7 more weeks, I was upset at its end. I was and am still frustrated and disappointed with the people who run cascadia.fm for giving one week notice for a major change to something I had been nurturing for 8 months. I had scheduled most everything else in my life around the show, and there was simply no alternate time I could have sacrificed with only one week's notice. There was a history of sudden changes at the studio, and I suppose I should have been prepared for something like that, but I just wasn't. I'm a planner, and often have my time scheduled a month out. I'm sad at this outcome. I'm not going to call anyone names, as I don't think the people running cascadia.fm are bad people at all; I just think that the lack of communication that is rampant at the studio is frustrating for everyone, and it's a major problem there. Be that as it may, I will continue to co-co-host Knit Happens until mid-December, when we should hopefully have a replacement.

More on quitting everything: My current schedule is starting to calm down and I'm handing off responsibilities with 107ist and timbersarmy.org. I'll not be running for re-election for 107ist. Bowling ends in mid-December, and most everything else I do are optional social gatherings that I can schedule around more important things. In a perfect world, I'll have plenty of time for school, study, and work. And Peter. And home/cats/cleaning. I have a feeling my weekends are about to be filled with more productive work, rather than sleep, tea, and catching up on The Big Bang Theory.

Then again, I might have more time for creative output. Which might include writing here more than once a quarter. ^_^

So, speaking of dreams, I had this one last night that really pissed me off. I absolutely hate feeling violated, whether in dreams or not. It's pretty rare for me to feel that way in reality, so when it happens during something that's totally out of my control, I'm even more mad about the situation. In my dream last night, I was walking with Peter when I happened to see an ex-boyfriend. This ex-boyfriend was with a girl who looked familiar, and since I had no specific emotions tied to this person's presence, we continued walking past the couple. The ex at that point stopped to greet me, and I was annoyed that he would do so. He was really happy to see me (this, coming from a person who was rather inexpressive in real life), and wanted to show me something on his iPad. I stopped and was curious as to what he wanted to show me, as I hadn't been in contact with him in well over a year. He pushed Peter aside and stood next to me to show me the device, and in doing so, put his arm over my shoulder. I was so sickened with that feeling that I immediately shoved him away. He was surprised I should do so, and his female companion looked mightily pissed off. I took Peter's hand and started walking away. The ex called after me, but I ignored him and continued walking. All in all, it was really disturbing and I woke up feeling rather annoyed. Luckily, Peter was there, and I was able to lean into him and get back to sleep.

I've had similar dreams throughout my life, and I really wish there were some way of preventing them from happening. I guess writing about it at least helps me get over it quicker.

Before I moved to Portland, I flew out here a couple of times in order to set up a jorb and housing. On every plane ride, I read the same article in the Alaska Air/Horizon magazine, about how Portlanders loved the outdoors and boy weren't they lucky with all of the sidewalk seating and the patios and when the sun shined, it was the best place in the world. I tried to imagine myself in that place, and now it's something I get to live every day. Well, at least since the start of this week. This winter was really long, and spring didn't arrive until after summer solstice. I'm not even sure if I trust the sun all that much any more; it could go away again at any moment, so I'm making the most of actually appreciating the out-of-doors when I have the opportunity.

Yesterday Peter and I ventured into Forest Park. There's a trailhead just under a mile from my front door, and though we drove there, getting down into the wee canyon where the creek flows was amazing. We only got to go into the park a little ways, as we didn't have a leash for the dog, but smelling that organic forest scent and feeling the moist cool air left me with a certain feeling of "なつかしい"... we used to go camping a lot when I was a kid. We didn't camp in temperate rain forest (the kind that's prevalent here in PDX), but the conifer scent is similar. I've been thinkinga bout getting to go for a nice long hike all day today, and hope I can get a few hours to do just that soon.

So I'm enjoying life. And life is enjoying me. I'll be 31 in a couple of months; it's all pretty amazing, and I currently have nearly everything anyone could ask for (well, my iPhone 4 will be here in 3 weeks, at least. ^_^ ).

Be that as it may, I have a feeling that I might get some readers now that my name is more public (though I've been keeping my name pretty private on this site), usually those who know about it know who I am, etc etc, but there are certainly ways for people to be somewhat stalkerish and make his or her way here. So, to those people? Enjoy. Welcome to the personal part of my brain.

Otherwise, how I've been spending the past few months:
Minitrip to Boise in Dec with Peter, Saw friends, family visits, lots of Bamboo Sushi, enjoying my new apartment, fixing up my kitchen, keeping the cats from peeing on things, knitting with the TALK ladies, dancing, walking, gymming, listning, enjoying, creating, reflecting, learning, starting my show on pdx.fm, taking over for a week, meeting new people, gaining Aka-chan's trust, buying, traveling, planning, looking tenaciously toward Timbers season, working on TimbersArmy.org, visiting, singing, volunteering, doing blue-collar work, moving my desk once again, getting through the end of season 2 of BSG again, biting off more than I can chew (but somehow gnawing through anyhow), researching, contacting people I've never dreamed of speaking to, enjoying myself, and enjoying others. And I'm sure there's plenty more I've forgotten to mention. Things are good. Really good.

I leave on holiday tomorrow with Peter to a world where there are no responsibilities and we can just sit about in front of a fire drinking vin chaud and playing cribbage. It's pretty much going to be paradise for 6 days, and it's well deserved on both parts. As luck would have it, I started getting sick while at work yesterday, which escalated until after I kicked the ladies out from my wee knitting club, and I pretty much passed out in bed after a fruitless search for NyQuil. Be that as it may, I have a feeling I'll be at least 90% by the time we fly off tomorrow, so hopefully my head won't explode with the change in pressure.

We've gotten our big freeze a little early this year, so it's been sunny but cold as fuck for the past week or so. Things are supposed to warm up this weekend, of course, while we're gone. I'll just be glad to not come back to snow or anything equally as horrendous. Rain, I can deal with, and actually miss.

Not being a killing-type of person, dreaming about this kind of thing really bothers me. I chalk it up to a number of things: stress from moving, reading books that contained poisoning and one about chopping up bodies, lack of sleep in general, and the cat biting me awake in the morning (urge to kill rising), all of which are good excuses, I guess. And wouldn't you know it, but as soon as I started writing this, my ADD eyes also came upon these two entries in Dinasaur Comics, so maybe it's not just me.

This shall forever be known as the summer of busy. So very much has been happening that it's hard to keep my head on straight, let alone remember what I was doing last week or how I ended up with these bruises. Yes, bruises... one large and deep one on my left calf and another on my back, neither of which do I have any memory of creating. Huh. And supposedly no one I've been with remembers anything that could have caused them, so I'll just let that go. But if I start experiencing missing time as well, I might start wearing a tinfoil hat... Regressing! Holy cow has it been fun. Kind of stressful, yeah, but fun. I'm turning 30 in 3 weeks (ed. erm, this was 5 weeks ago), and I must say that this summer has so far been the best one yet. What have I been doing?

I went camping with a group of girls who are incredibly awesome people, and we had such a fun time. I started dating a boy who is fun and funny and surprisingly wonderful. I've been going to Timbers matches religiously and having the time of my life supporting them. I went to at least 2 beerfests and 3 tappings. I got a new cat, and have been training Shinji to not beat the crap out of her too much. I went to the beach on a really hot day and played with a dog. I made pie-pops and forgot how much I enjoy making pie dough. I've been to as many barbeques as weekends, and burned the crap out of my tongue on a hot sausage. I've drank a lot of really good beer, and some not-so-good beer, both indoors and out. I've crashed parties and ran into people I didn't expect. I celebrated my 30th birthday with bacon-maple bars, a shared honkin' huge burrito, beer at Tugboat, and dinner with the awesome boy at Portland City Grill. I've met new people and have had amazing conversations. I've kept up with (some) friends better than I have in a good while. I'm moving in just over a week to a new kickass apartment. I filled holes in the walls and have started other huge projects that will likely keep me busy for years. I've been, overall, really happy.

This fall is going to kick my ass with the plans planned and plans as yet unplanned. Some really good friends are getting married and I am so happy to be a part of each of their celebrations. I am taking weekend bookings in November, but might have to push you to December; I hope you forgive me. But all in all, being too busy to write has been a good thing, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I can say that the one thing that really stuck with me from being in the mental hospital (a story for another time - it was many many years ago) was the phrase "this too shall pass." One of the counselors there had a ring with this phrase engraved on the inside, and regaled our group with stories of his own past mental illness. I remember thinking it incredibly trite and probably rolled my eyes in my 18 year-old head. But that phrase has really helped me in tough situations when I was most alone, and has brought me down a bit from highs when I feel on top of the world. It's hard to think that things will get worse when everything feels right with the world. Walking back from the store yesterday, looking towards downtown and the west hills at the colors changing in the sky, breathing the syrupy air, carrying bottles of wine (making white sangria for the camping trip), I felt good. Really good. Nothing's-gonna-tear-me-down good. But recalling that phrase brought me down a bit and allowed me to really truly appreciate the emotions and experience of that moment; it almost puts me in a place of zen. That alone was worth the cost of going nuts (yet another long story).

Be back next week, hopefully with photos from the camping trip. ^_^

I've been struggling to get my new router to work nicely with my cable modem for... oh... 5 hours now, and nothing has really come naturally, and I realize how much I relied upon having someone more geeky in the house. The situation forces me to rely more upon myself, which I'm really okay with - I learn more lessons this way. I just wish sometimes that all of these settings made more sense... and that I had some kind of "network technician" here, as I'm not sure if 2 "routers" playing as DHCP servers will ever agree on anything.

Today I outran (jogged, really) a very slow-moving streetcar to catch it at the next stop. It's the little successes that add up to make one feel a wee bit better, I think.

It was with this in mind that I checked out "Walk There! 50 treks in and around Portland and Vancouver" from the library. I didn't know that it contained a compendium of walks I had already been compiling from the website run by Metro. Holy crap is this book awesome... there are walks in nearly every neighborhood in Portland, and plenty in the suburbs and outskirts of town. I decided to just go through these walks one-by-one and get to know the Portland I would most likely never see (though I may not choose to cross the Columbia to walk in Vancouver, but that's just a personal decision).

I started with the "4T - Trail, Tram, Trolley and Train, Portland" walk, since it is an easy one to pick up right after work (as I work downtown near Pioneer Square). This would be my first walk that includes a hiking part, and at first I was a little afraid of the beginning of the walk, as the difficulty level is a 4/5 (note that the PDF version is 3/5, which I more agree with). The other urban walks I've been on were obviously concrete-centric, and I was excited to get out into the hills. One starts by taking the MAX to the Washington Park station, then walking over the freeway to a trailhead that's *really* hidden... one must cross a freeway onramp (no crosswalks, no stop signs) then walk down a gravel "path" along the onramp to find the trailhead... it really looks like there shouldn't be and probably isn't anything actually there... but there it was, and I was on my way.

The trail starts with switchbacks up a hill, and it's a little strange because the rushing freeway is *right there* and you have to get up and over a hill to make the noise go away. The forest itself is pretty much like Forest Park, with our Portland coniferous thick forest growth everywhere, complete with wildlife (rustlings in the trees, slugs) and moisture (random puddles, streams, mud). Once I got to a point where I could no longer hear a freeway, however, I was right below Patton Road, which was pretty busy. One issue I had with this walk was that most of the "urban"-type walking had no sidewalks. The walk up to the Marquam Trail had no sidewalks at all, but for the most part had some pretty wide shoulders.

The main Marquam trail up to Council Crest was closed for something or another, and the sign suggested I use the "south trails," so I headed south on Fairmount Blvd, having absolutely no clue where the other trail was, until I ended up on the opposite side of the hill and used my handydandy GPS to get me up to the top of the hill. When I finally made it, I took a well-deserved break to try to dry off just a bit, and enjoyed some conversation with a family of Quebecois.

On the way back down (Council Crest is the apex of the walk), the Marquam trail had a sign that it was closed from the top, and i my confusion, a nice older woman suggested that we just walk the trail - it is supposedly closed due to construction on the cell towers, and they won''t working by the time we got up there. So yeah, we went around the damned sign and followed the trail down. She was v helpful in pointing me in the correct direction to OHSU.

Once I left the Marquam trail, there was a lot of narrow shoulder-walking, which I didn't get on camera, since it was kind of fucking scary. The adults driving down to town from OHSU all use this road, and, from what I can tell, all drive 45 in a 25mph zone, 90% own expensive cars, and ALL should be used to the number of pedestrians and bicyclists along the road, because there were a ton of us trying to use < 3' of shoulder. Hrmph. So really, the walk wasn't hard, it was just kind of scary in some areas. The book recommends walking against traffic on Fairmount, and at that point, one is paying more attention to making sure one is as far away from the road as possible without tumbling down a fern-lined ravine.

When I finally made it to the Homestead neighborhood, the sidewalks came back and Mt Hood made its appearance, looming incredibly huge over the city. It seemed to have kind of a "full moon near the city" effect that my phonecam didn't pick up. I made it quickly to the tram, rode it down to the south waterfront, took the streetcar to the bus, and bussed it home. 4 different kinds of public transportation in one day! So all in all, it was a good walk (just over 4.25mi with my extra jaunts), though I think I was wanting more of a hike. I suppose I should stick to Forest Park for my hikes, and go purchase this little book for other urban outings (it's pocket-sized!!). Stay tuned for more...