Be that as it may, I have a feeling that I might get some readers now that my name is more public (though I've been keeping my name pretty private on this site), usually those who know about it know who I am, etc etc, but there are certainly ways for people to be somewhat stalkerish and make his or her way here. So, to those people? Enjoy. Welcome to the personal part of my brain.

Otherwise, how I've been spending the past few months:
Minitrip to Boise in Dec with Peter, Saw friends, family visits, lots of Bamboo Sushi, enjoying my new apartment, fixing up my kitchen, keeping the cats from peeing on things, knitting with the TALK ladies, dancing, walking, gymming, listning, enjoying, creating, reflecting, learning, starting my show on pdx.fm, taking over for a week, meeting new people, gaining Aka-chan's trust, buying, traveling, planning, looking tenaciously toward Timbers season, working on TimbersArmy.org, visiting, singing, volunteering, doing blue-collar work, moving my desk once again, getting through the end of season 2 of BSG again, biting off more than I can chew (but somehow gnawing through anyhow), researching, contacting people I've never dreamed of speaking to, enjoying myself, and enjoying others. And I'm sure there's plenty more I've forgotten to mention. Things are good. Really good.

I leave on holiday tomorrow with Peter to a world where there are no responsibilities and we can just sit about in front of a fire drinking vin chaud and playing cribbage. It's pretty much going to be paradise for 6 days, and it's well deserved on both parts. As luck would have it, I started getting sick while at work yesterday, which escalated until after I kicked the ladies out from my wee knitting club, and I pretty much passed out in bed after a fruitless search for NyQuil. Be that as it may, I have a feeling I'll be at least 90% by the time we fly off tomorrow, so hopefully my head won't explode with the change in pressure.

We've gotten our big freeze a little early this year, so it's been sunny but cold as fuck for the past week or so. Things are supposed to warm up this weekend, of course, while we're gone. I'll just be glad to not come back to snow or anything equally as horrendous. Rain, I can deal with, and actually miss.

Not being a killing-type of person, dreaming about this kind of thing really bothers me. I chalk it up to a number of things: stress from moving, reading books that contained poisoning and one about chopping up bodies, lack of sleep in general, and the cat biting me awake in the morning (urge to kill rising), all of which are good excuses, I guess. And wouldn't you know it, but as soon as I started writing this, my ADD eyes also came upon these two entries in Dinasaur Comics, so maybe it's not just me.

This shall forever be known as the summer of busy. So very much has been happening that it's hard to keep my head on straight, let alone remember what I was doing last week or how I ended up with these bruises. Yes, bruises... one large and deep one on my left calf and another on my back, neither of which do I have any memory of creating. Huh. And supposedly no one I've been with remembers anything that could have caused them, so I'll just let that go. But if I start experiencing missing time as well, I might start wearing a tinfoil hat... Regressing! Holy cow has it been fun. Kind of stressful, yeah, but fun. I'm turning 30 in 3 weeks (ed. erm, this was 5 weeks ago), and I must say that this summer has so far been the best one yet. What have I been doing?

I went camping with a group of girls who are incredibly awesome people, and we had such a fun time. I started dating a boy who is fun and funny and surprisingly wonderful. I've been going to Timbers matches religiously and having the time of my life supporting them. I went to at least 2 beerfests and 3 tappings. I got a new cat, and have been training Shinji to not beat the crap out of her too much. I went to the beach on a really hot day and played with a dog. I made pie-pops and forgot how much I enjoy making pie dough. I've been to as many barbeques as weekends, and burned the crap out of my tongue on a hot sausage. I've drank a lot of really good beer, and some not-so-good beer, both indoors and out. I've crashed parties and ran into people I didn't expect. I celebrated my 30th birthday with bacon-maple bars, a shared honkin' huge burrito, beer at Tugboat, and dinner with the awesome boy at Portland City Grill. I've met new people and have had amazing conversations. I've kept up with (some) friends better than I have in a good while. I'm moving in just over a week to a new kickass apartment. I filled holes in the walls and have started other huge projects that will likely keep me busy for years. I've been, overall, really happy.

This fall is going to kick my ass with the plans planned and plans as yet unplanned. Some really good friends are getting married and I am so happy to be a part of each of their celebrations. I am taking weekend bookings in November, but might have to push you to December; I hope you forgive me. But all in all, being too busy to write has been a good thing, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I can say that the one thing that really stuck with me from being in the mental hospital (a story for another time - it was many many years ago) was the phrase "this too shall pass." One of the counselors there had a ring with this phrase engraved on the inside, and regaled our group with stories of his own past mental illness. I remember thinking it incredibly trite and probably rolled my eyes in my 18 year-old head. But that phrase has really helped me in tough situations when I was most alone, and has brought me down a bit from highs when I feel on top of the world. It's hard to think that things will get worse when everything feels right with the world. Walking back from the store yesterday, looking towards downtown and the west hills at the colors changing in the sky, breathing the syrupy air, carrying bottles of wine (making white sangria for the camping trip), I felt good. Really good. Nothing's-gonna-tear-me-down good. But recalling that phrase brought me down a bit and allowed me to really truly appreciate the emotions and experience of that moment; it almost puts me in a place of zen. That alone was worth the cost of going nuts (yet another long story).

Be back next week, hopefully with photos from the camping trip. ^_^

I've been struggling to get my new router to work nicely with my cable modem for... oh... 5 hours now, and nothing has really come naturally, and I realize how much I relied upon having someone more geeky in the house. The situation forces me to rely more upon myself, which I'm really okay with - I learn more lessons this way. I just wish sometimes that all of these settings made more sense... and that I had some kind of "network technician" here, as I'm not sure if 2 "routers" playing as DHCP servers will ever agree on anything.

Today I outran (jogged, really) a very slow-moving streetcar to catch it at the next stop. It's the little successes that add up to make one feel a wee bit better, I think.

It was with this in mind that I checked out "Walk There! 50 treks in and around Portland and Vancouver" from the library. I didn't know that it contained a compendium of walks I had already been compiling from the website run by Metro. Holy crap is this book awesome... there are walks in nearly every neighborhood in Portland, and plenty in the suburbs and outskirts of town. I decided to just go through these walks one-by-one and get to know the Portland I would most likely never see (though I may not choose to cross the Columbia to walk in Vancouver, but that's just a personal decision).

I started with the "4T - Trail, Tram, Trolley and Train, Portland" walk, since it is an easy one to pick up right after work (as I work downtown near Pioneer Square). This would be my first walk that includes a hiking part, and at first I was a little afraid of the beginning of the walk, as the difficulty level is a 4/5 (note that the PDF version is 3/5, which I more agree with). The other urban walks I've been on were obviously concrete-centric, and I was excited to get out into the hills. One starts by taking the MAX to the Washington Park station, then walking over the freeway to a trailhead that's *really* hidden... one must cross a freeway onramp (no crosswalks, no stop signs) then walk down a gravel "path" along the onramp to find the trailhead... it really looks like there shouldn't be and probably isn't anything actually there... but there it was, and I was on my way.

The trail starts with switchbacks up a hill, and it's a little strange because the rushing freeway is *right there* and you have to get up and over a hill to make the noise go away. The forest itself is pretty much like Forest Park, with our Portland coniferous thick forest growth everywhere, complete with wildlife (rustlings in the trees, slugs) and moisture (random puddles, streams, mud). Once I got to a point where I could no longer hear a freeway, however, I was right below Patton Road, which was pretty busy. One issue I had with this walk was that most of the "urban"-type walking had no sidewalks. The walk up to the Marquam Trail had no sidewalks at all, but for the most part had some pretty wide shoulders.

The main Marquam trail up to Council Crest was closed for something or another, and the sign suggested I use the "south trails," so I headed south on Fairmount Blvd, having absolutely no clue where the other trail was, until I ended up on the opposite side of the hill and used my handydandy GPS to get me up to the top of the hill. When I finally made it, I took a well-deserved break to try to dry off just a bit, and enjoyed some conversation with a family of Quebecois.

On the way back down (Council Crest is the apex of the walk), the Marquam trail had a sign that it was closed from the top, and i my confusion, a nice older woman suggested that we just walk the trail - it is supposedly closed due to construction on the cell towers, and they won''t working by the time we got up there. So yeah, we went around the damned sign and followed the trail down. She was v helpful in pointing me in the correct direction to OHSU.

Once I left the Marquam trail, there was a lot of narrow shoulder-walking, which I didn't get on camera, since it was kind of fucking scary. The adults driving down to town from OHSU all use this road, and, from what I can tell, all drive 45 in a 25mph zone, 90% own expensive cars, and ALL should be used to the number of pedestrians and bicyclists along the road, because there were a ton of us trying to use < 3' of shoulder. Hrmph. So really, the walk wasn't hard, it was just kind of scary in some areas. The book recommends walking against traffic on Fairmount, and at that point, one is paying more attention to making sure one is as far away from the road as possible without tumbling down a fern-lined ravine.

When I finally made it to the Homestead neighborhood, the sidewalks came back and Mt Hood made its appearance, looming incredibly huge over the city. It seemed to have kind of a "full moon near the city" effect that my phonecam didn't pick up. I made it quickly to the tram, rode it down to the south waterfront, took the streetcar to the bus, and bussed it home. 4 different kinds of public transportation in one day! So all in all, it was a good walk (just over 4.25mi with my extra jaunts), though I think I was wanting more of a hike. I suppose I should stick to Forest Park for my hikes, and go purchase this little book for other urban outings (it's pocket-sized!!). Stay tuned for more...

I didn't want to name her, so I just called her "Baby Kitten" or "Baby Cat." I really didn't ever think I could keep her; there were plenty of other strays in the neighborhood, and my live-in boyfriend was allergic and supposedly hated cats. He started warming up to her, though, and with slow prodding, we got her to come inside the house, eat our food, and eventually join the household. When I asked him what we should call her, he said she already had a name.

She was a joy to have around; she was wary of others, but with he and I, she was incredibly loving and playful. She never scratched or bit, and only very rarely meowed, prefering a soft almost half-cough to speak. She had incredibly soft fur - anyone who was lucky enough to feel it would admire - I often called her "usagi-neko": bunny-cat. She had sparkling green eyes that would follow you around the room inquisitively, then, as soon as a petting hand was close, she would flop onto her side for a good rub.

After we moved to a different neighborhood, I kept Baby Kitty inside. There were too many ruffian strays around, and I didn't want her falling in with the wrong crowd. She would sit up in the back window and eye the group of cats that were fed by the old lady behind our building. One time we forgot to close a window before going to bed, and she got out during the night. I had to come home only a half day of work because I couldn't stop worrying about her. I found her crying under a bush near the front door, and I was able to capture her by pretending to be nonchalant about wanting to pet her. When I got her inside, she acted as if nothing had happened. I cried tears of joy that day - I was just so happy and relieved to have her home again.

She continued to be my familiar through major life upheavals. Though she was very skittish for years, my last boyfriend was somehow able to pull her out of her shell. It might have had something to do with her being able to sit in his lap all day when he was unemployed - she really really liked that and grew quite attached to him.

I used to make up songs to sing to her, put to common tunes. They were always spontaneous and silly, and I like to think that she enjoyed them. This grew more common when I was alone in the house, when it was just me and her. I haven't really gotten into singing Shinji songs. He doesn't seem that type of cat.

When I moved here, I already knew that she had had kidney issues, so I continued to have the vet check her levels of whatever, and eventually she required special food, and recently I started giving her subcutaneous fluids weekly to keep her hydrated. When I got home last night, I found her laying by the cat tree, unable to get up to greet me.

I took her in a cab to DoveLewis and spent hours there, waiting for some kind of prognosis. Her kidney levels were up again, but they couldn't find anything that accounted for her neurological failure, so they kept her until this morning on fluids and in an oxygen chamber. When I went to pick her up at 8am, she could at least focus better, but there were no other noticable improvements. We travelled to her regular veterenary and spoke with our vet there. Her body was basically just shutting down on her, and there wasn't anything we could do about it. She died quickly, painlessly, and calmly wrapped in my arms resting on my lap. I hope she will forgive the decision I made for her. She was very very loved and I am already missing her more than words can express.

Baby Kitty, ?/2002 - 6/2/2009
Best Feline Friend Ever

Playing on repeat:
Alexi Murdoch - Time Without Consequence
Lily Allen - Alright, Still
Justin Timberlake (I know, I know) - FutureSex/LoveSounds
Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

After I had foot surgery back in October, I gained about 10lbs from not being able to do much of anything while continuing to eat and drink as if I did. I started working out pretty regularly in January, and left about 15lbs behind, but the really embarrassing thing is that after all the work I did to lose a ton of weight (nearly 70lbs) back in '03-05, I gained quite a bit of it back. I'm sure some of it stemmed from the inability to get unfried food in Scotland for 2 weeks, then other misc dramas arose, and, of course, the getting preggers and subsequent miscarriage. The weight just slowly came back on, and even after moving to Portland (when I thought I would totally lose lbs by just walking around), I've been relatively healthy, eating-wise and exercise wise, but the drinking has been out of hand, (living with someone who drinks a lot and being able to afford plenty of quality booze) and it hasn't been the best for the body. Due to recent circumstances, I'll have less of an alcoholic influence, and hopefully more of a gym influence, and am back on *the path* to regaining my body from the shroud.

I'll never be the happy-to-go-to-the-gym type. Even when I was working out regularly, I had to fight myself to do it. I do feel fantastic after a workout, but the feeling doesn't last long enough to overlap with the next exertion, so it's easily forgotten. But I have been enjoying my sore muscles and reacquainting myself with some of the lesser-known groups, like the batman muscles and groinal area ("Oh, hi! I forgot you existed! Ow!"). This all leads up to... well, change.

When my mom came to visit a few weeks ago, we had a rather deep discussion at Kell's. I admitted to her that I was depressed every single day, and that some days were better than others, but no matter what, I usually felt pretty shitty, even if I didn't look it from the outside. I know it was really hard on her, as she already went through my suicide attempts more than a decade ago. I didn't want to make her worry about me, but I know she does. For the record, I'm not normally suicidal, nor do I think I would attempt it again. I just need to find something that helps me be happy with who and what I am. I've been having these conversations in my brain interspersed with well-worn truisms: "This too shall pass," "You only have control over your own actions," "You cannot help those who do not want to be helped," "Everything will be okay," "You may feel shitty now, but it will get better every single day." Somehow these mantras really do help me work through the stress I'm under, at least to the point of calming my thumping heart and allowing my throbbing head to subside. And I go on for another day.

So that's what today is. A new beginning. Star Wars aside, I really am trying to be the best me I can be right now. I have a lot to work on, myself, but the person I am is the person I want to be. Everything I dislike about myself can be fixed, so that's what I'm working on, fixing and healing.

May google keep the name cached forever.

For reference: None of this is surprising, really, and Marked as crashed.

One kind of story that always attracts these kind of people is the one about how the city is spending money on anything besides widening our streets and adding lanes to the freeways. Being a Portlander, I assume that most people living in the city feel similar to the way I feel about The Way Things Go Here, or else they would move. I came here because I like it. I love the city, the "crazy left-wing population," the confluence of bike and transit nazis, and the plethora of Other Stuff I Like here (restaurants, access to countryside/ocean/mountains, "sustainably"-raised food, etc). I figure if you want to insist that building more roads and bulldozing bike lanes and parks to make freeways is really the way to salvation, you can move to Texas. I understand that there are people who have lived here longer than I who want things to stay the same as they were in mid- to late-20th century, but I think Portland is better now. I'm not going to apologize for enjoying parks more than parking lots downtown, so some people have to pay more to drive into the city. It's selfish of me to not want to drive all over the place, but want to have a safe way of getting to work. I must be inhuman and obviously daft for riding my bike or taking TriMet, as driving a car is about Freedom of Choice in America (and getting places fast); the world will surely not cease to turn should I take an extra 15 minutes to get somewhere by bus or my leg power. Some people would have the Oregonian readers think that public transit (and any "crazy left-wing uneducated-about-the-world dribble") is a complete waste of time and money, but if we would only improve on the asphalt infrastructure, everyone would be enlightened (and every gas-using car has been replaced with a "green" electric version). I'm not anti-car. I *use* a car when it's needed. I just think that for most people, it's a lazy device, and it's as bad as leaving on all of the lights when one leaves the house. We could use some slow-down, and my path and Portland's path is not for everyone.

I started Japanese class a week ago. Here's to adding a new language to the brain in the New Year.

oh! i have a book for me at the library!! so excited!!

In other news from my boring life, we gleaned a chest freezer from Craigslist this weekend, and I am busy filling it up with stock (chicken, beef, and turkey), and alternately, with ice cream (making chai-pumpkin tonight). Then?! I'm going to be recoding TheCleverChef into more manageable chunks. My geekery knows no bounds.