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guh. so i'm all sleepy
February 28, 2003

so i'm all sleepy again, and i don't know why... for some reason, i just totally wind down towards the end of the day, and want to just crawl back into bed. mmm... or it could be that i didn't get to bed until midnight, had to come in an hour early today, and ben called me last night at 3am and we talked for an hour, with me mostly crying. so, by the time i got up this morning, my eyes were still all puffy. so i was all depressed last night because ben is probably going to go on with the rest of his trip instead of coming home early, like i had hoped. he is just such a part of my life, it seems as if there's a piece of me missing when he's gone. i really don't even know how to explain it. he was talking about how we've been together for about 2 1/2 years, and we're still as in love with each other as we ever were... *L* he was talking about how we kiss more than any other couple he knows. i just miss him, and there's nothing i would love more than to cuddle with him, and hug him, and kiss him, etc. it makes me sad when he's not around. of course, i also end up hanging around my friends a lot more when he's not here. but when he's here, and i don't hang around them as much, it's not a bad thing... it's like all i want... i don't need to hang out with zach and sara and everyone as much, because i have my best friend built-in. does anyone know what i mean? i'm also afraid that something will happen to him if he goes to egypt. there's a lot of shit going down over there right now. even thinking about it is making tears well up in my eyes, which i hate, because i'm at work.
okay, enough complaining... zach, laura, whitney(?), and i are going to some kind of function tonight that should be fun. they are having "heavy hors d'oeuvres"... dood, i so can't spell that. anyhow, should be fun... hope there's lots of wine and champagne. whee! smiles, everyone! ^_^

ah, back in eye-da-hoe. which
February 25, 2003

ah, back in eye-da-hoe. which feels good, no matter how much i hate it... i guess i just need to find another place to call "home".
i took a ton of pics when i was in wisconsin, and they're being developed right now! whee! so hopefully i'll be able to scan at least some of them in tonight to get up on a preliminary page to be able to check it out. yay! what fun! and all of the rest. i am so sick of cheese....

.....and comments are back up!
February 18, 2003

.....and comments are back up! so all of you who come here better start commenting! this is for you!

ugh... i had forgotten that

ugh... i had forgotten that i totally screwed the blog when i was trying to mess with the template... so i have to put in the code for the comments again. but that's cool. :)
so ben called me yesterday(5pm), and then last night (2am), and again this morning(8am). it was, of course, wonderful to hear from him. i have missed him outrageously this week, and he's only been gone for 6 1/2 days. only 5 weeks to go! ugh.
so i'm trying to keep myself busy so i don't just sit there and stew about things i can't change, such as: if i had a million dollars, i would just hop on a jet to australia to be with him. or if his mom didn't want to run about egypt and italy, he would be home in a couple of weeks. really, the only reason they're going to egypt and italy is to sight-see. or at least it seems that way.
i, however, am still looking for a job. if anyone out there wants to hire me, here's my resume. call me, okay? thanks!
other than that, life is going on like normal. had a good weekend, had fun with renie, which is rare... well, not having fun isn't the rare part, it's the seeing renie. normally she works weekends, so it was a rare treat to see her last weekend. she's a sweetie. we went to a party in Idaho City at deb's house with a bunch of burning man people. yeah, it was fun. hot tubs and alcohol and yummy foods and all of the above. what a great group of people.
i hope everyone out there in internet land is doing well. ^_^

same thing. so i was
February 13, 2003

same thing.
so i was out there reading wil's site, which i often do. yesterday he had a post that pretty much stated that he wasn't going to post for a while because he was overwhelmed with assholes, the book, and all, which i was cool with. no one likes to deal with assholes. not even me.
so then he posted again today about how he shouldn't have said certain things yesterday and all that... at the very bottom, he put, "note to self: don't post when emotional." so i thought i could take that to heart. but you know, i really can't. i prefer posting when i'm emotional. the only really bad thing about it is that a lot of times, it comes out as meaningless dribble. but that's cool, too, because sometimes you just need to get things out. things that you don't neccessarily want to discuss with friends, because you know they've heard it all before, and you're hoping that someone out there has to be finding this stuff interesting enough to read.
on a lighter note... well, i don't have anything really "light" to say right now. i'm just sitting at work trying to do the least amount of work i can while i'm paying all these taxes and crap. so yay for me or something like that. but i will be leaving in a week to see LeeAnn in WI. so that should be fun. i love love love being on airplanes. hell, i even love being in airports. though lately i've been going to the airport a lot without getting on planes, which has made the fun maddeningly frustrating. it's always pick up or drop off, with me just going back home afterwards. and, damnit, that's just no fun at all.

okay, so if the person

okay, so if the person reading this is someone from homecareersearch.com, just call me. please. do it. now. i. want. that. job. now.
i have applied for this job 3 times. i have sent my resume in 3 times. i have not heard anything back from that company. nothing. and that is getting rather annoying.
i am more than qualified for this position. i would absolutely love to work from home. hire me. now. do it. now.

it is an outrage, and
February 10, 2003

it is an outrage, and i hate it. every time ben goes on a trip, he always ends up working until like midnight the night before, so i can't even see him. even this time, when jill even told me that she would do her best to get ben out of work "on time" tonight, so we could "spend time with our boys." it just fustrates me beyond belief. and then i get all mad and cry and stomp and kick the wall, which left black marks from my boot that i can't get off. i even threw the phone, hoping it would break. of course, i'm glad it didn't. i'm just mad i can't even spend time with my fucking boyfriend/fiance/lover/best friend before he leaves for 6 fucking weeks. yes, 6 fucking weeks. good lord. he's going to be gone for sooo fucking long, because jill can't get along without him... and only 3 of those weeks are actual working weeks. the rest is just hanging about and having fun in foreign lands. ugh! ugh!
even TSO isn't brightening my night. i'm just depressed and pissed off. i try to take calm breaths and calm down, but i keep thinking back to when i was on the phone with ben at 10, asking when he was going to be home... jill said in the background, "it's time to go, ben." and he was saying goodbye to me, and i could hear her saying, "goodbye devlyn, goodbye devlyn." trying to prompt him to hang up. it just makes me so fucking mad. and i'm not even pissed at ben, because it's not his fault. i'm fucking pissed at his mom, because she is probably one of the most bitchy people i know on the planet. and sometimes she's just a bitch, and i can't help but get mad at her for being one.
i just want ben here so i can see him at least for a little bit before we have to go to bed, and the next thing i know, he's off on a plane to australia. i already miss him sooo much, and him to be here so i can hold him and put my head on his shoulder. i love him so much.
okay, i feel much better now that i got to rant to someone (anyone, anyone... bueller?)

i was just in a
February 6, 2003

i was just in a staff meeting. and just by saying that i somehow think that my job sounds big and important. but really it's not. i took a survey today (done by a coworker for some college thing), and realised (not for the first time) that i really don't like my job. it's not challenging, i get no credit for the things that i do (unless they're overly bad), and no one knows if i even due a super-good job on something (which i tend to do all the damned time). so why even try? that's the main question for right now.
anyhow, there was a woman talking in my staff meeting that sounded like she was giving us a speech, except for after each sentance, she would say, "mmkay?" or just, "'kay?" which started getting annoying after a while. so to keep myself awake, i started counting how many times she said it. but then i got bored with that, so i stopped counting after like 8 or so.
how was your day? oh, that's wonderful. anyhow, if you really want to let me know, then leave a fucking comment already. jeez.

in the ongoing pursuit of
February 5, 2003

in the ongoing pursuit of happiness, i have started another blog. this time it is a blog of zach and i talking. oh, imagine how this will change the world. or at least your view of it. wonderful. go there now!

praise and halleluja! i am
February 2, 2003

praise and halleluja!
i am online.
at home.
this is great.
ben and i have been playing TSO all weekend. ooh yeah. it's been extremely fun.
however, i am assuming that everyone knows about the shuttle disaster that occured on Saturday morning. ben and i found out about it while actually playing TSO. we looked up the info on MSNBC.com, and watchted the news from there. i actually cried.
anyhow, i hope everyone else is having a good weekend. i guess i'll see you tomorrow.