Just to let "y?all" know, I had a lovely post all ready and set to go on Saturday about a bunch of different things, which ended up being lost forever (long, heartbreaking story). The following is pretty much what I wanted to say on that day:

Found out just today that Jonathan Brandis died (link NYT) apparently of a suicide like 2 weeks ago. This struck a cord with me, as he was one of the main crushes I had circa 1992-1993. My friend Heather Sakamoto got me into him, trying hard to get me to see that wil wheaton (or Jean-Claude Van Damme, for that matter) just wasn?t the one for me, and that Jonathan was the much cuter, intelligent, and sophisticated heartthrob out of the two. I, of course, knew better, and kept Wil, but added Jonathan in my weekly tear-outs of pics in Bop and Big Bopper, storing the cheap pages back-to-back in my binder full of plastic sheets. Yes, those were the days. I find it strange that pretty much no one heard about this ? the media didn?t pick it up pretty much at all. Hmmm.

Anyhow, today is a new day, with a whole new hand the world has dealt to me. Today = my name. Now, having a name like Devlyn might seem like a really cool thing to some, perhaps neat or kitschy. Well, I can tell you: I like my name presently, really quite a lot, but growing up with it, and having to face public scrutiny with a name like Devlyn, was sheer hell. Most people who hear it can?t pronounce it. Working in tech support, I state my name at the beginning of every call, and though I enunciate and speak v. v. clearly, most people still call me Evelyn. Which is usually fine with me ? I mean, whatever, it?s not a big deal when only having to deal with someone for 5 minutes one time. Having to deal with school children, along with teachers who cannot pronounce Dev-lyn was one of the worst tortures of my life. I got everything thrown at me from Devilin to devil to evil-bitch-cunt-slut. I was none of the aforementioned. Hmph.

So now thinking I have this neat, kitschy, original name, I am rather disappointed in the meager offerings google would give on a search of my first name. Pretty much the search came out with 6 different groups of subject matter with my name attached. Try it, and you?ll see:

about 80% was in reference to Frank Devlyn, who was like the grand world Rotary International wizard or something from 2000-2001.
5% was for Devlyn Lace, who is a porno chick/lace model
3% was for Devlyn Steele, who is a male life-coach (I have no clue as to what that is)
2% was about some self-proclaimed "Satanic" band, Acheron, which has a song called "Baptism for Devlyn Alexandra"
1% was about Devlyn Rhys-Something, soon to be a Faery Shaman (?)
and an endless supply of D&D junkies/pagans/faerie new-agers that use my name as a character's name/true name/alter-ego, no doubt thinking it clever and whimsical.

anything in reference to ME, however, didn?t show up until page 46, which I thought was rather sad:

So, I?m hoping that some day soon, with having so many damned pages that have my name on them, I will rise above rotary president Frank Devlyn to become the top-ranked link for people googling Devlyn. If you would like to contribute in my journey, go to a page that has my name as a link (like fidgeting wildly, auntie sarah, or comments, etc.), and that will tell google that some people know me as the devlyn, and not just a speck in the WWW.

oh, and if you want to be linked on my altruisms page, or you have a blog or something, let me know: webmaster at somethingclever dot net.

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On another note, I can’t believe that people actually read stuff like this and believe in it. Supposedly, one would purchase these little booklets and give them away to other sinners™ on the street or wherever. After reading the story, the sinner™ would immediately realize his/her horrible sinning deeds, and give his/her life over to Jesus, savior™.

I was Christian once. Hell, I was even Mormon once. I didn’t grow up as a Christian. My mom studied Eckankar, but kind of fell out of that. I had some fun with it, but didn’t really believe everything in it, either. I started going to a Christian church when I was a freshman in high school because this girl I was in PE with (pretty much the only “friend” I had that semester) went there, and drug me along. I was baptized in like 2 weeks. I was really kind of blasé about the whole thing. The girl I was friends with was a self-confessed slut and liked to fake-smoke cigarettes. The church people said that listening to secular music would make Baby Jesus™ cry, and I would go to hell if I didn’t stop. I left California.

I was 18 when I joined the Mormon Church. I was actually just trying to get a Book of Mormon, for lack of other reading materials. I couldn’t find the phone number to get the free book, so I called the bible number, and they didn’t have any Books of Mormon. So they sent elders to my house. They invited me to church. Now, Christian church was only like an hour long, and then we got to go have punch and cookies with the rest of the youth group. Those darned Mormons want you to sit around for like 4 hours every Sunday, as well as get together during the week to do stuff like Family Home Night and all that kind of stuff. As I was pretty much a loner, I had nothing better to do. I was baptized within a month. I still smoked secretly after church, while wearing a nicotine patch. I pretty much quit going to anything Mormon after another month and a half. These people wore me out. Oh yeah, and I didn’t believe that Jesus was my Lord and Savior™.

Just a little aside on Mormons, I would love to share my theory on them. Having been a Mormon, having friends who are former-Mormons, living next to a Mormon Church for 8 years of my life in California, and now living in the state with the most Mormons per capita in like the US or something, I think I have a pretty good basis for judgment. I like the Mormons in Idaho least of all. And I know a ton of Mormons here. Now, I know this is a complete generalization, but for some reason, the Mormons here tend to be two-faced. Like they’re all nice to your face, but you can tell that they hate you in their eyes. I know plenty of Mormons in California and in Utah as well, and though some of them are the same as the generalized Idaho Mormon, they (as a whole) tend to be nicer and more real. They were Mormons, but nice human beings, too. Yes, yes… I know nice Mormons in Idaho, too, but most of them are exactly the way I’ve described them above. And I don’t know why they are like this. It is truly one of life’s great mysteries.

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I started reading The Bell Jar last night, and I have a feeling I’ll slick through the end of it tonight. For some reason, the book is making me depressed, and I rather want to be like our little Esther, only without the inevitable insanity at the end. I have felt like she did, and I have attempted suicide once or twice, though not as heartily as she.

I can remember being depressed at 13. When I was 18, I was admitted into the local kook house, albeit voluntarily, after attempting suicide 3 times… I’m not sure if anyone really knew. Now, at 24, I feel the pull of depression at least 2 times a week, but I never allow myself to slip as I have in the past.

The problem with depression is the way it makes my inner dialogue become a menacing figure. I hardly want to think, lest I become more and more agitated and unsure of myself. I question everything, from my engagement to Ben to moving anywhere to living itself. Unfortunately, I have plenty of un-busy time that allows me to start the ascent of thinking, and eventually I just ride it like the Giant Dipper.

I was on meds once, when I got out of Intermountain, which made me almost giddy all the time. I knew it wasn’t me, and that bothered me immensely. I stopped taking them after about 4 months, more because I couldn’t afford them than anything else. They also had annoying side effects. Have you ever had diarrhea and constipation at the same time? Yup, I have.

I guess the point is is that I really don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t like feeling this way, but I don’t want to go on meds again. I really don’t have the money to see a psychiatrist, and I really wouldn’t want to go anyhow. I just feel like crying, but I’m mad because that’s all I want to do. Ugh, I just feel like shit.

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so i've hit a plateau. really, i hit it back in august. for those of you who don't know me, i've been trying to lose weight for the past year and 4 months. i got memberships to 24-hour fitness back in june 2002 for ben and i. at the worst, i weighed 265 pounds. i know, that's a shitload of weight. i was totally fat. i was wearing size 22 pants, and couldn't shop pretty much anywhere but layne bryant. i was depressed. i disgusted myself.

anyhow, i'm down to about 209 now, but i've been this exact weight (plus or minus a few pounds, depending on the day and salt intake) since august. i joined the 24/5 program at my gym back in march to help me lose more fat, and to help me gain muscle and strength and all that. they pretty much tell you what you should be eating and i meet with a personal trainer once every two weeks to change my workout. so since i've been on this plateau (where one neither loses nor gains weight), i've been pretty pissed off. mostly at myself.

so when i met up with the personal trainer yesterday, i told her my worries, etc. she told me that i couldn't cheat any more. and that's just from the info she gets from what i write down in my eating journal. so, to get myself off of this plateau, i'm wanting to go to the gym at least 5 times a week to do my weights and cardio, and i'm giving up drinking completely to help myself lose more fat fat fat fat fat. all in all, i think i may have a bit less time to keep up this page, so please don't hate me for going a couple of days in between posts. hopefully, this won't happen, as i can write down what i want to post at work, and i can just throw it up here when i get home at night. whenever that is. so wish me luck, and i'll keep you all updated.

like the title states, i'm going to be lazy again and just post something i did today. yeah, it's one of those "get to know you" emails or something. i won't bore you with the whole thing; i'm just posting the highlights. oh, and tons o' links:

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
[edit 5/13/08 - nevermore]

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?
Green khaki. (props to the british, yo.)

10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
Amychan is kickass cool and I want to have her hair, but only if I could have her head with it. So cute I want to hold her underwater until she stops thrashing. But seriously, folks...

13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Dirty sapphire martini w/ onion, olive, and garlic on a stick.

14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Uhm... Fighting?

20. FAVORITE FOODS?
Sushi. And then more sushi. You can throw in some other japanese food, too.

25. FIRST TEENAGE (OR PRE-TEEN) MOVIE STAR CRUSH?
Pre-teen: Wil Wheaton. Teen: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I had posters of both up on the walls, all with slightly ill-formed areas where i'd kiss them both every night before bed. on the mouth.

27. HUGS OR KISSES?
Why am I being forced to choose? Some people only deserve a kick in the ass.

29. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA??
Again with the choosing thing... What I could really go for right now is a toffuti cutie mint-chocolate-chip ice cream sandwich. Dig.

30. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?
Really kind of don't care. If they had enough time to write on this, why don't they have enough time to write on the bleeding blog they wanted to be on?

33. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Too-small apartment with a cat and a boy (though not too-small like new york or boston).

42. FAVORITE CAR?
The one that runs the longest without me having to fix it. Or, if you're talking dream cars, I could go for a 1967 E-type jaguar roadster in racing green.

43. FAVORITE FLOWER?
lilac

44. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
2 - home and my car. Somehow lost the ring with ben's car and my old car's key like yesterday. Slightly disturbing.

45. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Scarves - yes. Actual objects, no.

47. RED OR WHITE WINE?
Red

48. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
Did stuff... The only thing I can really remember is the v. v. v. V. V. scary bday cake that the compound clan got for me. Never again, my dears, never again.

50. LIFETIME GOALS?
Get skinnier and stay alive for as long as I can.

51. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE
MORNING?
"The fuck? Oh, it's the radio. Why in the hell is the radio on? Oh, I think I'm supposed to get up. Fuck that, yo. Yeah, let's go back to sleep." - internal dialog, of course.

i am so farking excited right now. my little kitty pooed in her litter box today. i was worried that she was holding it in or something, because i've never seen her do it, anywhere. i know this might not seem the most exciting thing, but she was a stray when we took her in, and i didn't know if she had ever even seen a litter box before. but i guess she has. she's just so damned cute, and we're so lucky to have her. ooh! pictures!

baby kitty
yeah, i know... we've just been calling her baby for a good long time, because i didn't really mean for her to end up as my cat... originally, my mom was going to give her a home out in mt. home. however, she just liked us too much, so she stuck around. now she's in our house and stuff, so we got her a potty-box, a bed, a collar (with her name!), and catnip. ooh boy, does she ever love catnip. it's totally cat crack.
okay, i'm going to stop this post right here, because it's mindless dribble. also because my chicken curry is done and i'm wanting to eat. so there.
leave comments about how cute my kitty is, damnit.

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Being the completely unoriginal person that I am, I am just going to do the Friday Five today. So there.

1. What food do you like that most people hate?
Sushi, sardines, pretty fishy stuff. J’adore les poissons, et j’aime manger les poissons. In the veggie dept there's broccoli, brussels sprouts and spinach. Also liverwurst… I went through a phase a couple of summers ago where all I wanted to eat was liverwurst sandwiches. Totally want some now.

2. What food do you hate that most people love?
Ew. Peas. And most squash. Just could never get into it. Any pork. Also most junk food, i.e. twinkies, hoho’s, anything that uses animal fat and sugar to stuff cake. Double-ick.

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?
Ben Affleck. He looks like a drunk(en buffoon). And I’ll bet he smells like it too.

4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find attractive?
Giovanni Ribisi (?). Yeah, but it’s kind of a sick kind of attraction. Also Mike Dirnt from Green Day. Weird.

5. What popular trend baffles you?
The 70’s clothing-comeback: it’s truly horrible. I’m sorry, but most of it was just butt-fugly then, and I don’t want to see it now. Hate. The phrase, “bling-bling.” I didn’t find it funny the first time. Also, I can’t stand the shirts that bunch up in the middle like 13yo’s ballet outfits. The fuck? These must be made with only those with small breasts in mind; perhaps to give an illusion of cleavage or something. This does not make any fucking sense. Oh, and shorts or pants that have sayings like “brat” or “princess” or “cutie” written across the ass. Please. If you want people to look at your ass (this means you too, girls with g-strings showing), why don’t you just show your fucking ass? Or just have one pair of shorts that say “look at my ass!” on it. How clever. Ugh.

In other news,
I am 72.5% British, just like
Michael Caine
Though you know your way around London you are most likely to retire to the West Coast of the USA.

Take the Brit Quiz at
www.darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm
Quiz written by Daz

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so as i'm walking to my car from my building today at work, i notice that i have my VW key still attached to my keychain. you know, the same VW that i gave to the American Lung Association a few weeks back. the same VW with only 1 key, the key that i have. anyhow, so i was thinking about calling them, but i'm all embarassed, because i kind of fibbed when they were asking about the car originally... i told them that it was in full working order, when in fact, 5th gear was gone, and it wasn't really starting v. well at all the last time i had tried. so i don't want to call them to give them the key. i'm in between a rock and a hard spot, so they say.

so i get home, and there's an envelope from the ALA, thanking me for the donation, and giving me the info i need to claim the donation on my taxes, which i most definitely plan on doing. this also means that i need someone else to do my taxes, because i've only ever done the "EZ" forms.

so, what should i do? call them to give them the key, or just forget about it, and let them contact me if they feel they need it? i'll take all views seriously, yo.

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Well, it started out with zach and corey going to japan, which I was rather quite pissed off about. Then it ended up being zach and I going to california (san jose to be specific) to see fern, because she had moved down there for a new high-paying jorb or something having to do with high-tech and french. So fern picks us up at the airport, and zach and I drive with her to her workplace, because she had to go back to work, and we were going to borrow her car to tool around in. I remembered all of the streets, and all of the cool vines with really big leaves, and I'm all, "hey, I know where I'm at - we're next to my dad's old work, too!" blah blah blah, etc. so fern drives up to the gate at the workplace and scans her badge, which makes the gate go up, and the chain-link fence open, but then a buzzer rings, and it won't let her in, so both her and zach get out of the car (I was in the backseat), and zach somehow gets behind the gate, and fern and I are stuck out front. The security guys come over and are all asking her questions, and zach gets pulled into the security booth for more questions. I look back at the car, and there's a monkey climbing up the antenna (*L*). So I'm all like, "well, I'm taking off then. What time do you need the car back?" no one answers me, so I just took fern's car and drove to my dad's house, where he looked really young with a horrible haircut. I was hanging out with my dad and stepmom when my aunt (on my mom's side) comes, and we all start talking about sashimi. Suddenly, the door opens, and tons of ppl start pouring through, so I ask my dad what's going on, and he says that they're having a family reunion. But it's not my family, it's his brother's family, who just happens to be living with him. So I'm all into leaving, but I can't get my aunt to shut up about the sashimi, and that's really the last part I remember.

indeed, it is snowing again, and i have the fear that i will wake up to a blanket of white. last winter was a v. mild one; i think we got maybe 3"-4" of snow, and that was all on one day. i'm not a big fan of snow myself. it would be wonderful if it would snow when i have nothing to do, so i could just curl up on the couch under a blanket, sipping hot chocolate, and just watch the flakes float past. unfortunately, this hardly ever happens. boise isn't the best at street upkeep when it snows, so usually when it does, i have to drive at less than 20MPH to keep from sliding off of the road. and now that i have to drive 7 miles to work on main arteries through the valley, this is going to be even more of a pain in the ass. also, boiseans somehow forget how to drive in the snow (each and every bloody year), which is something that i've even heard of happening to the fine peoples of madison, wi. this is not good. this means that people still try to drive 40MPH in a 35MPH zone in their little cars, not realizing that they need room to stop, turn, etc. 'tis v. ugly, indeed.

i really really hate snow for this v. reason. actually, i'm fond of snow in the mountains. i'm originally from northern california (collective groan, please, idahoans), and i enjoyed driving up in the sierras to collect pinecones and such. i just abhor driving in snow, walking in snow, or watching freaks (most idahoans i've known) enjoy the snow. it makes my teeth and ears hurt. it freezes in my hair.
i was hoping for another nice, mild winter, but am fearing it is just not going to happen this year. i need to move to a place far more temperate.
the saddest part is that it makes me even more homesick for california. now, i'm not saying that i would ever move back there. i totally loved it when i was there, but so much has changed in 9 years, i don't think i could stand it any more. i like the rain in the winter that makes everything green there. i do not miss the hotter-than-holy-fuck summers, and the droughts and fires that would result from it.
need. to. move.
okay, so who's with me, and who's against me? any snow-lovers out there besides zach? bring it.

**UPDATE**
woke up to a v. v. cold (10F?), crisp, non-snowy morning. score!

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updated the index, which i am v. proud of. rather happy that i got it all done in less than a day, really. you may click on "refresh" to see other pics on the index.

other than that, i must go to the gym today, after i finish eating my breakfast. last time i was at the gym (thursday), the BSU/BYU game was on, and i was forced to listen to people screaming at football players. all of the teevees in the cardio room were tuned to ESPN. there was no escape.

i have a new neighbor, but have so far avoided her successfully. i'm not one for really meeting new people. i know it's horrible, but before i do meet her, i want to make sure i'm looking my best - you know, first impretions and all that. the last 3 neighbors i've had have met me at such imperfect times as to make their views of me skewed. the neighbor-boy met me as i was scrubbing the insides of my old car, therefore i was covered with grime, hair sticking up in bad places, and sweaty. the lesbians that used to live next door met me when i had just gotten back from the gym, sweaty, hair sticking up, and rather tired. before the neighbor-boy and the lesbians, my friends were living in the other 2 apartments - sara, in the back apartment, and zach and corey in the front. i don't believe any of them really cared what i looked like. that's the nice things about friends.

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