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maybe i shouldn't...
November 19, 2003

I started reading The Bell Jar last night, and I have a feeling I’ll slick through the end of it tonight. For some reason, the book is making me depressed, and I rather want to be like our little Esther, only without the inevitable insanity at the end. I have felt like she did, and I have attempted suicide once or twice, though not as heartily as she.

I can remember being depressed at 13. When I was 18, I was admitted into the local kook house, albeit voluntarily, after attempting suicide 3 times… I’m not sure if anyone really knew. Now, at 24, I feel the pull of depression at least 2 times a week, but I never allow myself to slip as I have in the past.

The problem with depression is the way it makes my inner dialogue become a menacing figure. I hardly want to think, lest I become more and more agitated and unsure of myself. I question everything, from my engagement to Ben to moving anywhere to living itself. Unfortunately, I have plenty of un-busy time that allows me to start the ascent of thinking, and eventually I just ride it like the Giant Dipper.

I was on meds once, when I got out of Intermountain, which made me almost giddy all the time. I knew it wasn’t me, and that bothered me immensely. I stopped taking them after about 4 months, more because I couldn’t afford them than anything else. They also had annoying side effects. Have you ever had diarrhea and constipation at the same time? Yup, I have.

I guess the point is is that I really don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t like feeling this way, but I don’t want to go on meds again. I really don’t have the money to see a psychiatrist, and I really wouldn’t want to go anyhow. I just feel like crying, but I’m mad because that’s all I want to do. Ugh, I just feel like shit.


cheer up sugar plum!
you can always coime and cuddle on our couch and watch finding nemo!

Posted by: zax at November 20, 2003 8:20 AM