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by the way, wil had
March 21, 2003

by the way, wil had some v. good stuff on his blog today. i suggest you read it.

i figured out today that

i figured out today that i have far too much internal conflict for an over-priviledged american. there are things that i agree with, and yet don't really agree with in today's society... i.e. the war against iraq. i don't agree with w's own reasoning for going over there, and yet i agree with getting hussein out of the power-seat. so i don't know how to resolve that within myself. i agree with the fact that the israeli jews have land in israel, but i don't agree with the ousting of the palestinians from the land. and again, i don't know how one would resolve that conflict, either. there are just too many black and white situations where there should be grey spots, and yet there aren't any.
i recently gleaned a library card from the boise library. i have been ignoring this public facility for far too long, and now i'm actually using it. i love libraries. and i'm glad that people use them. i think, though, that there aren't enough people who use them. people use their teevees or computers for education instead. that's all fine and dandy, but the american people need to start using their brains a little more. myself included.
why does it seem that most people who have actually done something with and for themselves have done so after coming from an under-priviledged society or family. why is it that the people who grew up with things, and got through life rather easily never really do anything with their lives? is it because they just expect their own lives to continue onwards in the same fashion? i am one of these people. i grew up in an upper-middle class home, but lost everything at the age of 14... after going through many years of being "american-poor", i am able to provide for myself. i know too many people who aren't even able to do that. though there are many others, who grew up with nothing, that are now able to own companies, etc. is this just something that happens in the US? or is this something that comes from being human in general? i haven't spent enough time in foreign lands to be able to figure this out for myself. just one other thing to busy my mind with, i guess....
for today...

got caught up in reading
March 20, 2003

got caught up in reading this today... thoughts from the other side of the war line... and good english, too! yay! uhm... should i be more somber? the world is rather confusing to me right now, dear reader. not sure what i should think anymore. but eventually it will all work itself out, and then i can make strawberry pies all i want. at least in a dream world.
at least the boy will be home in less than 36 hours... yes, i'm counting the hours now... he even told me that he was reading this while abroad, but very rudely never left any comments. pfft. i still love him. ^_^

so my stupid fucking page
March 19, 2003

so my stupid fucking page is down right now, and has been for hours... i think i need to change hosts... you hear that, easycgi???... i can't get my email, and it's driving me mad, because i haven't been able to check it for about 5 hours now, and ... uhm... okay, i just got my email right now... let's see if the rest of it is up...
ja ne! ^_^

so, as i said before,
March 17, 2003

so, as i said before, my darling benjamin shall be back home with me on friday... in the meanwhile, he has sent me some absolutely lovely pictures of himself in Egypt... i am providing them here for your pleasure. ^_^
picture #1
picture #2
picture #3
picture #4
picture #5
picture #6
picture #7

hope you have enjoyed them as much as i have. ^_^

ben will be back on

ben will be back on friday, ben will be back on friday!!!!!

and that makes me happier than anything else could.
my boy called me yesterday, and this morning! i was so happy to hear from him, i actually cried. yeah, what a sap i am. but i am just so elated that he will be back within the week. these past 5 weeks have been horrible. well, not really horrible. they have been okay, but there was always the feeling of longing in the back of my mind and heart, waiting for him to come home. i just cannot wait! ^_^

seen at a christian bookstore
March 14, 2003

seen at a christian bookstore (don't ask):

Harry Potter
Witchcraft Repackaged:
Making Evil Look Innocent


okay, so this isn't really a rant. i just think it's funny... there are a ton of books and videos that are "christian-oriented" having to do with the evil of Harry Potter books and, believe it or not, pokémon and hobbits. a small list. so i'm just wondering what is so evil about these books. is it the fantasy aspect? or is it the magic aspect in the books that makes them evil and on the same plane with "satan"? i guess i would actually have to pick one up and read it. maybe i can get one at the library, because there's no way i am spending my hard-earned secular money on that stuff. pah.

PS this is as good as the onion.

aaaah, one always loves to
March 11, 2003

aaaah, one always loves to see our representatives working hard for their constituants. here's a great example. and may i add: haha.... oh, and *gag*

i have been having rather

i have been having rather strange and vivid dreams lately. i'm not sure if it is stemming from wil's talk about his nightmares or anxiety that i shouldn't have. the days are becomming dreary and forlorn for me. though life is, in accordance with everything else, fine, i am still having internal struggles with emotions. i'm not depressed, but i think i just have this eternal longing feeling that has been going on for over a month now. almost as if i cannot breathe, or there is something heavy on my chest.

i miss my boy.

he should be back on the 20th, but that is another 9 days away, and that seems just as long as the previous 4 weeks. hopefully he will not postpone it again... he should be coming back home as soon as he gets into the states, though his mom is staying in LA to do a class, he does not want to. if he does end up staying in LA for the class, he will get back on th 26th, which pretty much just adds another week to my suffering.

part of my dream on saturday night was skydiving. ben and i were skydiving, but i didn't know how. i wasn't afraid at all... i just mimicked what i had seen people do before - spread out my arms and legs... it was very odd... i remember the sense of falling, but not the "stomache-in-the-throat" feeling. but i guess one cannot have that feeling in a dream. i just keep thinking about it, and i don't know why. it wasn't something that would normally stay with me for such a long time. it wasn't even particularly interesting, it was just odd... i opened my parachute and came down softly into a south-american-esque jungle, which was quite lovely. and that's all i really remember from that portion of the dream. perhaps i should learn how to skydive... :)

it has been raining outside
March 7, 2003

it has been raining outside today. normally i enjoy rain, but it just seems like this winter has gone a bit too far and a bit too long for me to cherish. i could really use some sunshine right about now, just brightening my face and warming my back.

other than that, life has begun to seem rather lame. i pretty much do the same thing every damned day... every other day (and sometimes in-between) i go to the gym and do the same things. days when i don't go to the gym, i just stay at home and usually make dinner. i then eat it while half-heartedly playing TSO. TSO has begun to be boring as well, as most people are just sitting around getting skills instead of actually interacting, which is what the game is basically about. then again, i could be just going to the wrong places. much like my life, i don't get out much in Calvin's Creek...

i have been tooling about online a bit trying to get ideas to finish the rest of my site. for some reason i am just completely blocked from my artistic thoughts. could be that my muse has taken a little vacation, going along with ben, who is now in egypt... or so i think... i get confused when i look at the itenerary, so i don't bother anymore. i just know that eventually, he'll be home, and then everything will get better. *L* "if only i had this, then i would be happy..." and so it goes...

my life, so far, as been an "okay" success... or so i would like to think... for now, i have a good paying job, but that's going to be taken from me in 3 weeks... i have a neat house, cool stuff, and lots on my mind. i just think i need to be doing something more, you know... i would like to go back to school, but i really don't want to go to BSU... i never did want to go there, so i think that may be part of the reason why i dropped out... i just need something more, but i'm not sure how to attain it right now. it's something i have to work on. :)


whew! well, i haven't been
March 4, 2003

whew! well, i haven't been posting like i should. i know, i'm just a slacker. blah and pffft on me.
"ain't just sooo isn't in my volcabulary"... and i don't mean that as anything... but i tend to get really annoyed at people who say the word ain't... ugh, it's just gross.
anyhow, after my lovely little unimpressive rant from the last time, i went to the Women in History reception hosted in the Jordan Ballroom at BSU. I ate far too little, and then we all (Shazzer, Laura, Whitney, Zach, and I) went to 10th St. and proceeded to get rather drunk, which was okay, but i need to stop drinking like that. i rarely drink, or get drunk for that matter, and when i do, it just doesn't make me feel good. i didn't have a hangover or anything, my body was just like, "ugh." so that's about it... zach and i went to my mum's house in Mt. Home on sunday, and saw her for a bit, which was nice.
i do need to get my hair cut, which i will do next weekend, if the money provides. i still have other things in my purchasing list which are higher up than that, but i figured it's about time i've had that done, since i haven't had my hair cut since summer of 2000, right before my original burning man. what fun! it will be nice to get that done and have my hair be all floofy again!
that's that for that, at least for right now. i'm sure i'll update again when i get some interesting stuff going on. i, of course, tend to update the conversation blogs more than this one, so if you're bored here, go here or there.