< June 2007 | Main | August 2007 >

In which I have a mood swing
July 30, 2007

So I took this lovely, just fucking lovely, if short, walk tonight. It was only 2 miles, round trip, but half of it was completely uphill and the other half down, and it was getting dark by the halfway point. I fell in love with this city all over again, and must make myself get out more often. There's really no need for me to stuff myself indoors and feel lonely and depressed when there are so many interesting things to see here. The weather has been gorgeous and perfect for a walk, and tomorrow I may attempt to make it out to Laurelhurst Park (about 2 mi away, direct).

And then I get home and I start to settle, flush from my exercise and feeling great, and then I get a text message that contains 3 words. Three tiny little words that make my heart break because they're what I'm trying to cover up. They're what I'm hiding deep inside myself while I go along my path every day, to work, to home, to the store. It's what my eyes are filled with when I'm grinning at people and saying "things are going great!" and "I totally love it here!" And it's not that those are lies, but that half of my heart is somewhere else entirely, and I've been trying to collect it, to bring it back, but it's firmly stationed. I'm either going to have to give it up or wait a little longer, and either option still hurts as much as the other.

So tomorrow I'll go on another walk, and marvel at the things around me: the greeness of everything, the locals in their habitats and hangouts (soon I think I'll be one of those), and the air fresh with organic scents. And then I'll wait some more...

In which I wouldn't be so alone if they knew my name in every home
July 26, 2007

Things I have found out about myself from this move to PDX:

  1. I am really really really good at torturing myself. And not being able to take my own advice. Also? Feeling like shit.

  2. I am kind of more unstable than I knew. I feel fantastic one minute and like killing myself the next. WTF, hormones?

  3. I really really dislike Idaho. I guess I already knew that, but I'm so dreading even having to be there for a day and a half in August that I'm stressing about it already, a month in advance.

  4. I always thought I was kind of anti-social, and that I forced myself into social situations to get over it. Now I realize I am *really* anti-social, but I also really want to hang out with people, though I really don't have anyone with whom to hang out. I don't know how to even interperet that.

  5. I can spend money really, really fast.

  6. I can still make people impressed with me. It's actually a lot easier than I remember it being.

  7. I am extremely adaptable. I'm not exactly a change-fearer, but I didn't think that settling in and getting into a routine was going to be this simple and quick. Huh.

  8. I am really really bad at making major decisions that hurt. I guess this goes for most of the human race.

  9. I drink way too much and I badly need to cut back again. That said, I am going to hang out at the BrewFest after work today to kill time before going to play poker, drink beer, and eat pizza.

  10. I'm extremely glad I moved. Like, seriously.

In which I break for something super-special
July 21, 2007


Dear UPS,

Where the fuck is my Harry Potter and The I'm Gonna Start With The Cutting If I Don't Have My Book In My Hands By One Pee-Emm?? My ears are picking up all of the sounds of engines within a mile radius, and my heart jumps at any sound of a car door. The fact that I'm listening to the Battlestar Galactica OST probably isn't helping things. But Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, seriously. Where. Is. My. Book?

Devlyn M. Patience

P.S. Seriously.

In which I am meerly tired
July 16, 2007

I imagine that access to public transportation may make one's being a functional alcoholic that much easier.

3247 down and many more boxes to unpack...

PS. Have I mentioned the fantastic weather? No? Fucking fabulous. And? People around here? Recycle betterly. Like they know how by some magic means. Huh.

In which it's all about the wait
July 14, 2007

I leave tomorrow morning for Portland. All of my worldly possessions (save my cat and my car, but who actually owns a cat, anyhow?) are parked in a truck-and-trailer combo on a street not far away. Today was slightly hellish and only the complete absence of most any emotion kept me together. I figured out I'm cutting off everything so I don't get too stressed out about everything. After all, I am actually moving tomorrow and starting a new job on Monday morning, bright and early in the new city I'll call home. Everyone I've been talking to about this, from the post man to the (now ex-) hipster neighbors have expressed their amazement at the quickness of the whole move, but I don't think it's hit me yet at all. I doesn't seem at all contrary to good judgment to do what I am doing, so I continue to do it. Maybe it'll all catch up with me at the point when I'm actually settled in and haven't anything else to stress about.

I was thinking the other day about how this is one of those things that I am going to have to (mostly) deal with on my own. It's been such a very long time since I've had to take such a big life-changing event in stride, as it were. Bob will be out of town when I get to PDX - I'm taking care of his chinchilla, Cia, while he's gone. I really don't know anyone else there besides some friends-of-friends, and though it's not as if I won't have enough to do with the unpacking and all for the first few weeks, I've been so crazily keeping myself busy social-wise that I feel I might experience a lack that may even surprise me. Thus, I have already started putting social events on the calendar with good ol' strangers - a knitting group on Thursday, a Flickr meetup on Wednesday. I know there'll be plenty of time to meet new people later, but I'm so incredibly afraid of being lonely and having a possible (god forbid, seriously) honest-to-goodness homesickness for Boise, that I would rather fill my schedule as full of events as possible so I don't have the time to feel those things. You know what I mean?

Anyhow, I'm so incredibly exhausted and sleepy and ohmygod do I hurt. Again, I'm not actually really looking forward to driving the 7-hour road to Portland with the bf tomorrow, but I'm also not not looking forward to it. The lack of anticipation is kind of creeping me out. What I am looking forward to is getting this all over and starting afresh, like a newly laid blanket of snow. Wish me luck.

In which things may be messed up...
July 8, 2007

For those of you on the RSS, I apologize if this is the third post posted today. I'm in the middle of switching hosts, which is crazy and annoying and a lot of work, and it's not like I have a whole number of other things going on right now (certainly nothing like packing, moving, stressing, getting ready for a new job, apartment, and life). So please bear with me as I get things set up properly. Hopefully it won't get too nutso.

Thank you for your patience.