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October 19, 2007

So, I thought I was actually going to write about this last week, as on Wednesday night (10/10), I had a sudden rushing memory of everything that happened, and I just cried in bed for a good half hour. It's been a year, a bit more actually. A whole fucking year and for some reason, things are coming back around to haunt me. Especially after reading Dooce's post today, everything came back, brighter than ever. The memory of all the pain - the intense, raw, horrible filthy pain, both mental and physical makes me want to just die all over again. I was sitting at work, flushed and trying not to cry again.

This isn't something I talk about with anyone, which is maybe why it's still affecting me in the way it is. And really the way I'm dealing with it doesn't seem very healthy (just trying to forget it ever happened), but I also think that the attempt at emotional outbursts in my head are a little over-the-top. I'm not going to go to some kind of support group, because it's not like that... I know this is something that I have to deal with myself, which was something that was blatant when it initially happened. So what to do now? I'll continue like always... this isn't something that can affect my life at this point. At least, it shouldn't be affecting my life at this point, but I'm in constant fear of the possibility of it happening again. Even though I'm obviously not trying to become pregnant and have no intention to do so in the foreseeable future, I have the incredible want to have a child, and that's where everything comes around full circle. I don't have anyone to confide in.

52nd day of my 28th year
October 8, 2007

It's amazing how quickly 2 weeks can go by. Like, one day it wasn't today, but was many hours ago, and now those hours are gone, never to return. Time goes quicker as one gets older. Fact.

I had a teeny tiny panic attack last night when I realized (as I do at least twice a year) that I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. I'm sure that this will just get worse as time progresses. Life isn't one of those things I've started taking for granted, like driving my car, or grocery shopping - 2 mundane things I would rather not think about while they're happening. I do realize where I am in every moment, and some of those moments scare me. Like, didn't I learn this lesson before? Why am I doing this? And why do I continue to do this, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm fucking crazy for doing it? Still no answer comes (that satisfies my request), and so I continue, and wait for something to change that may or may not change. I'm severely freaked out by the fact that I might screw up my life enough right now that I might not end up having enough time to do things I want to do, like have kids and enjoy a family and a home and a cabin in the woods. How does one prevent that from happening without then settling for less than what is desired? I am, at least at this point, in a place I like, so that's step 1. I'm nearly with someone I like, which is step 2. Everything else gets garbled from there.

I strained my wrist last night while knitting and watching South Park for 4 hours. Welcome to Fall.