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it is an outrage, and
February 10, 2003

it is an outrage, and i hate it. every time ben goes on a trip, he always ends up working until like midnight the night before, so i can't even see him. even this time, when jill even told me that she would do her best to get ben out of work "on time" tonight, so we could "spend time with our boys." it just fustrates me beyond belief. and then i get all mad and cry and stomp and kick the wall, which left black marks from my boot that i can't get off. i even threw the phone, hoping it would break. of course, i'm glad it didn't. i'm just mad i can't even spend time with my fucking boyfriend/fiance/lover/best friend before he leaves for 6 fucking weeks. yes, 6 fucking weeks. good lord. he's going to be gone for sooo fucking long, because jill can't get along without him... and only 3 of those weeks are actual working weeks. the rest is just hanging about and having fun in foreign lands. ugh! ugh!
even TSO isn't brightening my night. i'm just depressed and pissed off. i try to take calm breaths and calm down, but i keep thinking back to when i was on the phone with ben at 10, asking when he was going to be home... jill said in the background, "it's time to go, ben." and he was saying goodbye to me, and i could hear her saying, "goodbye devlyn, goodbye devlyn." trying to prompt him to hang up. it just makes me so fucking mad. and i'm not even pissed at ben, because it's not his fault. i'm fucking pissed at his mom, because she is probably one of the most bitchy people i know on the planet. and sometimes she's just a bitch, and i can't help but get mad at her for being one.
i just want ben here so i can see him at least for a little bit before we have to go to bed, and the next thing i know, he's off on a plane to australia. i already miss him sooo much, and him to be here so i can hold him and put my head on his shoulder. i love him so much.
okay, i feel much better now that i got to rant to someone (anyone, anyone... bueller?)