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i have been having rather
March 11, 2003

i have been having rather strange and vivid dreams lately. i'm not sure if it is stemming from wil's talk about his nightmares or anxiety that i shouldn't have. the days are becomming dreary and forlorn for me. though life is, in accordance with everything else, fine, i am still having internal struggles with emotions. i'm not depressed, but i think i just have this eternal longing feeling that has been going on for over a month now. almost as if i cannot breathe, or there is something heavy on my chest.

i miss my boy.

he should be back on the 20th, but that is another 9 days away, and that seems just as long as the previous 4 weeks. hopefully he will not postpone it again... he should be coming back home as soon as he gets into the states, though his mom is staying in LA to do a class, he does not want to. if he does end up staying in LA for the class, he will get back on th 26th, which pretty much just adds another week to my suffering.

part of my dream on saturday night was skydiving. ben and i were skydiving, but i didn't know how. i wasn't afraid at all... i just mimicked what i had seen people do before - spread out my arms and legs... it was very odd... i remember the sense of falling, but not the "stomache-in-the-throat" feeling. but i guess one cannot have that feeling in a dream. i just keep thinking about it, and i don't know why. it wasn't something that would normally stay with me for such a long time. it wasn't even particularly interesting, it was just odd... i opened my parachute and came down softly into a south-american-esque jungle, which was quite lovely. and that's all i really remember from that portion of the dream. perhaps i should learn how to skydive... :)