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something on cleverness
October 20, 2003

I cannot bring myself to write, as the words that become dark on this page don’t ever seem to “sound” the way that I want them. Why can I not ever seem to write the way the words come into my head, the words sound both eloquent and strange, and frightfully clever, the way I want them to. I envy those who can sound so very clever without even thinking about it, whereas I must struggle for some reason to even get my thoughts to stop long enough for me to capture them and make them work the way they should. It is both ridiculous and cruel to think of these things over and over again so that I may be frightened so much that I cannot write.
I dreamed, in my younger years, of being a writer, and even started at least 2 ill-fated novels, which never made it past the 3rd “chapter”, meaning no more than 10-15 (double-spaced) typed pages in WordPerfect3.1. This, of course, just wasn’t to be, and I am stuck with being both a grammar and spelling freak without anything to use this power upon. What a waste of a great mind.