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October 19, 2007

So, I thought I was actually going to write about this last week, as on Wednesday night (10/10), I had a sudden rushing memory of everything that happened, and I just cried in bed for a good half hour. It's been a year, a bit more actually. A whole fucking year and for some reason, things are coming back around to haunt me. Especially after reading Dooce's post today, everything came back, brighter than ever. The memory of all the pain - the intense, raw, horrible filthy pain, both mental and physical makes me want to just die all over again. I was sitting at work, flushed and trying not to cry again.

This isn't something I talk about with anyone, which is maybe why it's still affecting me in the way it is. And really the way I'm dealing with it doesn't seem very healthy (just trying to forget it ever happened), but I also think that the attempt at emotional outbursts in my head are a little over-the-top. I'm not going to go to some kind of support group, because it's not like that... I know this is something that I have to deal with myself, which was something that was blatant when it initially happened. So what to do now? I'll continue like always... this isn't something that can affect my life at this point. At least, it shouldn't be affecting my life at this point, but I'm in constant fear of the possibility of it happening again. Even though I'm obviously not trying to become pregnant and have no intention to do so in the foreseeable future, I have the incredible want to have a child, and that's where everything comes around full circle. I don't have anyone to confide in.