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Day 2
May 20, 2009

Let's start from scratch, shall we? Hi. My name is... well, not going to appear here, mostly for the search engines. If you want to know it, you can find it out, and I think that most people reading know it already. So, hi. Holy shit has my life suddenly become this insane drama that I'm really just trying to calm now. I've been reticent to write pretty much anything here because of one reason or another, but today that stops.

After I had foot surgery back in October, I gained about 10lbs from not being able to do much of anything while continuing to eat and drink as if I did. I started working out pretty regularly in January, and left about 15lbs behind, but the really embarrassing thing is that after all the work I did to lose a ton of weight (nearly 70lbs) back in '03-05, I gained quite a bit of it back. I'm sure some of it stemmed from the inability to get unfried food in Scotland for 2 weeks, then other misc dramas arose, and, of course, the getting preggers and subsequent miscarriage. The weight just slowly came back on, and even after moving to Portland (when I thought I would totally lose lbs by just walking around), I've been relatively healthy, eating-wise and exercise wise, but the drinking has been out of hand, (living with someone who drinks a lot and being able to afford plenty of quality booze) and it hasn't been the best for the body. Due to recent circumstances, I'll have less of an alcoholic influence, and hopefully more of a gym influence, and am back on *the path* to regaining my body from the shroud.

I'll never be the happy-to-go-to-the-gym type. Even when I was working out regularly, I had to fight myself to do it. I do feel fantastic after a workout, but the feeling doesn't last long enough to overlap with the next exertion, so it's easily forgotten. But I have been enjoying my sore muscles and reacquainting myself with some of the lesser-known groups, like the batman muscles and groinal area ("Oh, hi! I forgot you existed! Ow!"). This all leads up to... well, change.

When my mom came to visit a few weeks ago, we had a rather deep discussion at Kell's. I admitted to her that I was depressed every single day, and that some days were better than others, but no matter what, I usually felt pretty shitty, even if I didn't look it from the outside. I know it was really hard on her, as she already went through my suicide attempts more than a decade ago. I didn't want to make her worry about me, but I know she does. For the record, I'm not normally suicidal, nor do I think I would attempt it again. I just need to find something that helps me be happy with who and what I am. I've been having these conversations in my brain interspersed with well-worn truisms: "This too shall pass," "You only have control over your own actions," "You cannot help those who do not want to be helped," "Everything will be okay," "You may feel shitty now, but it will get better every single day." Somehow these mantras really do help me work through the stress I'm under, at least to the point of calming my thumping heart and allowing my throbbing head to subside. And I go on for another day.

So that's what today is. A new beginning. Star Wars aside, I really am trying to be the best me I can be right now. I have a lot to work on, myself, but the person I am is the person I want to be. Everything I dislike about myself can be fixed, so that's what I'm working on, fixing and healing.