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Moving onward
May 23, 2009

I am in the strange position of actually being single after nearly 9 years of being otherwise. This, as you might imagine, feels very strange to me. For the past 2 years, at least, I spent a lot of time with my partner - he was my best friend, and as we both moved to a new town without knowing many people, we did nearly everything together. I really liked this, as my previous partner was rarely interested in doing anything I was really into, so we either deferred to his preferences, or I just did the things I wanted to do with my other friends or not at all. Going through this most recent separation, I've started listening to the same music I listened to the last time I was going through similar emotions. These albums were contemporary at the time, and a couple were recommended by my dear friend Sara, who was going through the same type of situation as I at the time. Listening to these songs again, I can pick out certain flashes of scenes and emotional outbursts I had while doing something tertiary: sanding a table on my front porch, painting the table legs in the middle of my living room, showering in my clothes, drinking far too early in the afternoon and falling asleep on my chair, walking downtown in a daze, feeling so incredibly empty. It's strange, really, because it makes me want to cry - not because of what I'm going through now, necessarily, but what I went through then and everything that's pretty much happened up until this point. It's like a culmination of 2 years of pain and recalling every instance of crying onesself to sleep (there's nothing more lonely than that). I don't know if I should continue to work through these emotions while "enjoying" the music, or if I should move onto something else, but for right now, it's providing me with a bit of nostalgic comfort. This time, things are going to be different, and that makes me optimistic. This July, everything will come full circle and I think at that point, I can step away from the cycle at the end of its revolution. That, too, is comforting.

Playing on repeat:
Alexi Murdoch - Time Without Consequence
Lily Allen - Alright, Still
Justin Timberlake (I know, I know) - FutureSex/LoveSounds
Amy Winehouse - Back to Black