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... the countdown continues - less than 48 hours to OZ
August 25, 2004

… and all at once, it seems to be both too long and too short of a trip. I was at a une petite soirée last night in honor of (non-internetting) Sara Turbo’s birthday, and I almost got teary when I left. I’m going to be away from these people for a bit more than 2 weeks, and I’m going to miss them all dearly. Some a little more than others, because 3 of my friends will be leaving the day after I return for la France, where they will be teaching for almost a year. The 3 that are leaving have really been my “core-friend” group for years, and with them gone, I’ll have to get used to having a different core group altogether, for which the basis already stands. Why does this make me nervous?

Supposedly, I’m going to be missing the greatest August weather Boise has had in the history of weather anywhere. It’s already been cool for about a week, raining almost every day, which, I believe I’ve stated in the past, is rather strange for the desert. In August. In the Northern hemisphere. I am, of course, looking forward to leaving and joining the B “down under.” As one may have read in earlier posts, I have been beyond lonely recently; unfortunately, it’s the kind of lonely that can’t be solved by spending time with friends, though I certainly have been trying hard to replace him as such.

As a parting note (I may not have time to post tomorrow before I leave), anyone who would like to receive an authentic postcard from OZ, email me your snail mail address. I promise to not sell it or stalk you. Since I’m sending postcards to 25497 other people, I may as well send one to you! My email address is, as always, webmaster [at] somethingclever [dot] net. Wow, just like the little bar above this page. Amazing, technology is.

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the countdown begins - 4 days 'til OZ
August 23, 2004

I have finally come to realize that I am an exceptionally conflicted person, and it makes me feel like an internal drama queen. I am second-guessing a lot of things in my life right now, which is scaring the hell out of me. I think I very well may be feeling this way due to depression (wonky hormones and all), but I also think that this may be the thing causing the depression - either way, I don?t really feel depressed, just confused, so who knows. I?m hoping and praying that this is just a phase that will pass, as it almost always does, at least for a time. However, there is also a permanent, yet quiet, thought at the back of my brain that whatever I may be doing may be the wrong thing. I know I have to make a decision on these things that are bothering me, because no one is going to tell me what to do; the only one in charge of my life is me, and I?m the only one who can do this. That thought is both enormous and confining.

On a lighter note, I returned today from a lovely jaunt with 8 of my BFFs to Cascade. The Queen made her family's cabin available to us, for which I am ever grateful. The weekend was incredibly fun and relaxing all at the same time. Much alcohol was imbibed and many hijinks ensued. Below are a few pics from this morning. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about the ol' digicam until after the Redhead and Amychan had hot-flashed, so they aren't included: hmph. Sadly, none of these shots were staged; all were spontaneous.

The Queen herselfThe fighting is surprisingly normalThis is also quite familiar for most of usThe Fern, chill modeThe lake in Cascade - could it be hiding the Rockasaurus Rex?

And just for sticking around, here's a bonus shot of me with my crazy birthday hair from last Tuesday (humidity! huzzah!):
Me... I'm 25 now. Wow.

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August 17, 2004

I woke up to rain this morning. The clouds were low, locking in the sweet smell of grass and humidity - something rarely had in the high-desert summer landscape of southern Idaho.

Realizing I was running late, I jumped out of bed and slid across the bathroom floor on the rug, very nearly killing myself. Washing my hair quickly, I had sudden realization. I opened the shower door and poked my head out. The B had been dropped off the night before to head for OZ - there was no one else in the house.

"Baby Kitty!!" I called.

She poked her head in the door.

"It's my birthday!"

She opened her mouth in a silent meow and walked away. "Well," thought I, "it's better than nothing."

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Spammers go to hell
August 11, 2004

Dear online poker, cialis, tramadol, casino, penis enlargement, and XXX spammers flooding my comments and making a pain for me to even login to my MT: eat my shorts. I have finally gotten off of my lazy butt and have installed a wonderful spam blocker that will hopefully get rid of the unneeded stress being unleashed upon me by your razor-talon bots. Hate is not a pretty thing, and neither are you. I highly recommend visiting this page if you have issues with comment/trackback spambots.

On a happier note, the 2+ week holiday departure is only 2 weeks and a day from now, which means it’s time for list-making! I have some friends that are extremely good at listing, and I may just have to use some of their mad listing 5k1llz to get through this.

Every time that I come to write on this, it feels like more and more of a chore. There are so many things to share, but I know none of them would really be a good idea to write on such a public forum, and I’m rethinking me decision to have an unveiled website. I was halfway thinking about starting an anonymous blog out there somewhere, but what would be the point? To be able to talk about crap that no one cares about anyhow? I think the poor writing and the sniveling demeanor would bore anyone to tears, including myself.

Then again, when I think back on what I do day after day, it all seems very trivial and boring. I actually do have fun just living life, but for some reason, it just seems far less exciting than anyone else’s life. I don’t really know why this is – I suppose that perhaps it’s normal for anyone and everyone to feel this way.

Just typing this is depressing me, so I’m going to stop now.

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Baby you can light my fire
August 4, 2004

I’m sitting in the backseat of a car with my left knee up underneath my chin and I’m just staring out the window. I’m so rarely a passenger; this feels foreign and makes me slightly sick. The music is loud, but it always is in a car with these people; the noise adds to my discomfort, and I switch positions right before we go speeding around a curve in the road, my side pressed against the door. I curse myself for not calling out “shotgun!” before Sara did. She has shorter legs than I do. I feel like a bloody ironing board back here.

We finally arrive at our destination, and I’m allowed to unfold my legs and stretch them out a bit. The drive wasn’t long – less than 10 minutes – but I feel as if I was stuffed in that olive of a car for forever.

My phone rings. I stay behind while the people I’m with go into the video rental place to answer it. I feel as if the other beings that are milling about eating ice cream are taking a break from slurping to stare at me. I walk towards the side of the small complex while talking into my phone. I always feel so damned self-conscious when talking on the cell phone in public.

I finish my conversation and join the people inside. There’s not much here I’m interested in; I think the ice cream was looking too good just minutes ago. It’s all I can think about. I wander about looking at this and that halfheartedly. They decide to get 3 movies. We pay and walk outside.

“You guys want to go to Cold Stone?” I ask. They agree. I feel immediately guilty.

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